T- Bone & Bo Peep Splitsville

The Floyd Grapevine is buzzing with news that local “it” couple, Mr. T-Bone and Bo Peep have called it quits. Sources close to Bo Peep informed the Enquirer that the relationship had taken a sudden downturn coinciding with the loss of her sheep. Stated Peep; “The financial and emotional loss was traumatic enough…..but when he started coming home at all hours….. smelling like god knows what & singing “I Got Ewe Babe” and “Ewe’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”…. I just couldn’t take it any more”. Ms. Peep has retained local attorney Jonathan “Vlad The Impaler” Rogers while Mr. T-Bone will represent himself. When queried about his legal defense strategy, Mr. T-Bone stated; “My utilization of the “throw it out to the universe” defense hasn’t worked yet but it sure amused the hell out of the judge and bailiff.”

High Crimes at the Village Green

Proving that Floyd is truly stranger than fiction… this article is based upon actual facts…..more or less.

Floyd County deputies were called out yesterday to investigate a case of aggravated “do do’ing” at a local downtown business establishment. At some point on the previous evening a perpetrator applied a layer of “do do” to the doorknob on Doug Thompson’s Photo Studio. Based on the forensic crustacian factor, deputies estimate the “time of smearing” to be between 4am and the crack of dawn. While detectives investigated the crime scene, Floyd and neighboring county law enforcement officers set up roadblocks on primary roads throughout the County. According to the Commonwealth Attorney, no substantial leads have been developed and, despite a pile of evidence, apprehension of the perpetrator remains doubtful. In commenting on the case, one Detective commented; “the list of suspects is endless…. Hell, everybody hates Doug……come to think of it, I don’t much care for him either.” Said another Detective: “as in the O.J. Simpson case, we think a glove may be a key piece of evidence. We know that the crime was premeditated as the weapon was not one of opportunity….. it was obviously selected for aroma, texture and viscosity.” The Floyd County Crime Lab is attempting to determine whether the weapon was free range and organic in an attempt to rule out the areas alternative community. A deputy commented; “if we can rule out hippies that will narrow it down to….. well, every other man, woman and child in the tri-County area”.

Graduation Day

2008 was another truly fabulous year for Mr. T-Bone in, what seems to be, a never ending series of truly fabulous years. In reviewing 2008, I guess my recent graduation would have to be one of the top 2 memorable events of the year…… followed closely by a wisdom tooth extraction. Few Enquirer readers are aware of the myriad awards, certificates and degrees that I’ve received over the years. And this one, I must admit, is especially indicative of the reputation I’ve carefully crafted here in Floyd. Though none of my friends or loved ones bothered to come, it was still a day filled with sentiment and significance. Prior to the ceremony, my class friends and I speculated on what the future held for our fellow classmates. We all agreed that Dwayne was truly the class standout & would undoubtedly be back for his Masters & perhaps even a PhD. And Jane, though forced to drop out early in the semester, will certainly return frequently until that diploma is hers. All & all, we agreed, the class was a stellar representation of……. well, people like us. Though the ceremony was largely a solemn affair, there were moments of levity. None of us will ever forget our instructor, affectionately known as Bluto, doing the keg stand at the reception……… what a character.And Ted Kennedy’s commencement address was moving yet sobering. Statistically speaking, there is a very good chance that you too will have the opportunity to attend this class. Though I hoping my days of higher education are over, should you continue to pursue this opportunity, remember that a degree from VASAP can be an important stepping stone other even more prestigious State institutions.

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