The Floyd Enquirer
“Floyd’s Literary Enema”
A Publication of The Republic of Floyd L.L.C.
Tizzy In Tinseltown
There’s been a perceptible increase in tensions here in Floyd….. the School Board hullabaloo, discord at Angels in the Attic, anger over property tax increases….. all of this coupled with the recent rescheduling of the Rapture has got many Floydians on edge. What better time than now to come out with the new Enquirer…..
Shortly after moving to Floyd I realized I’d face many challenges adjusting to rural life. Living out of town, I found vigilance to be an essential rural skill in driving the requisite 20 minutes to anywhere. The scenery was so darn monotonous….. pastorial panoramas, verdent forest, babbling streams, wildlife everywhere…… if not attentive, I’d find myself dozing at the wheel. Worse yet, I had no inkling of where all the Floyd “consumer opportunities” were….. too many damn trees. Fortunately, a few pioneers in Floyds business community are taking us to a brighter & more iridescent future. Our little slice of paradise is seeing a much needed growth in outdoor advertisements. Like our brothers & sisters in Christiansburg, Floydians will soon experience the joy of driving thru a literal Yellow Pages, gently reminded by billboard art to Eat at Joe’s, stay off drugs and, by and large, be all we can be! For this, let us give thanks to our local Captains of Commerce!
How Old Would You Be If…..
Most folks take the long road to old age…. traveling that safe & familiar Chronological Highway…….doing 45 in the passing lane….. turn signals eternally blinking just in case…. laser like high beams dissecting oncoming traffic. Some of us, however, lead lifestyles that put us on the fast track … traversing the black diamond ski slope of life….. thru the briars….. tumbling down hills….. intermittently falling in ditches and eventually wheezing & crawling to the finish line……way ahead of our peers. In this race to our golden years, there are rewards for the victor and, on a recent visit to my parents, I enjoyed the experience that awaits early achievers. Despite a 30 year age gap, my parents and I share many of the same benefits of longevity…. the thrill of opening jars….. the agony of reading labels…. the befuddlement of too many pockets and the dismay of afternoon naps segueing into bedtime. Perhaps most discomforting was having left my teeth behind & Mom having to mail them back. So, for our wayward youth standing at that juncture of life’s road, simply ask; “WWTD?” (what would Mr. T-Bone Do?) Why waste 80 years climbing that mountain when it can be scaled in 50? Party on & Smoke em if you got em!
Floyd Trivia Question
Which are more ubiquitous in Floyd….. potters, massage therapists or non-profit 501(c) organizations? Send your answer & tax deductable donation to the Floyd Enquirer.
A Retailers Ode to Winter
Winter can be lonely for Floyd business people and during the endless hours of this past Winter I turned to writing songs to pass the time……
“Where have all the tourists gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the tourists gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the tourists gone?
Mr. T-Bone picked them clean every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they return?”
When World’s Collide
Researchers have recently learned that long term exposure to “Floyd Life” can lead to a debilitating type of dementia. Fortunately, this dementia only becomes apparent should one venture beyond the confines of the community for extended periods of time. Otherwise, one is delusionally “normal”. Rarely leaving the County over the years, I only learned of this when a friend, forced by economic circumstance, took a real job in C-burg. Real jobs, as you know, are not prevalent in Floyd and mainly occur “out there”. This peculiar form of indenture requires adhering to actual schedules, mandated costumes, following a someone’s agenda and a certain degree of subservience in acknowledgment of management neurosis. The dementia manifests when the unfortunate Floydian recognizes that tolerance, compassion & common sense are not considered “survival skills” in the marketplace. Along with adjusting to the rigors of “employment” my friend has had to adapt to the frequent transitions from Floyd to “out there”. Should you be faced with this same dilemma please be aware that a timely immersion in “Things Floyd” will reestablish the much desired harmonic dementia….. a laughing yoga session perhaps…. an hour in one of the community sweat lodges, swaddle in a Mountain High tie-dye or my own cure…. a Hatcher burger & a beer at Ray’s. Regardless of the preferred cure, always take immediate action less you start that Jeckle & Hyde transition from Floyd Dementia to real world psychosis.
Hate Group Hotties
Single guys are always looking for new venues in their pursuit of the fairer sex. Some of my single brothers tell me grocery stores are “target rich” and others suggest getting a little “churchin” to meet ladies. While cruising the internet recently I came across what seems like a “no brainer babe venue”. There are zillions of hate groups out there…. all organized around the concept that certain people should go back where they came from or, better yet, stop breathing. It’s a veritable smorgasbord ……… no matter who you decide to hate, there’s a group for you. One that looks especially promising is Fred Phelps’s Westboro Church…. they carry the “God Hates Fags” signs at funerals of soldiers and nine year old little girls. Any organization so totally focused on the penis has got to be pretty hot. I spend a lot of time thinking about mine, so….. where there’s common ground there’s opportunity. Pictured above are Fred’s daughters…. If you’re a single guy looking for action you might want to contact Fred at; www.godhatesfags.com/contact.html
It Takes A Village
Q: How many Floyd Fest staffers does it take to change a light bulb?
– A main stage informational announcement by Linda
– 12 people in “Staff” shirts to simultaneously radio headquarters describing the problem & its ramifications.
– The Floyd Fest Rapid Deployment Security Swat Team to ban the offending bulb from the festival site.
– A preliminary staff team building hug.
– The “de rigueur” safety meeting prior to changing the bulb
– 17 staff members to bitch about being overworked
– And, finally, a volunteer to screw it in
Even though Floyd is a notoriously laidback community and forgoes formality for most occasions, there is a sense of country etiquette that prevails at gatherings regardless of the attendees predilections. Even garden variety Floyd reprobates are orthodox observers. Should you invite a stoner to your soiree, for example, they might take an extra pocketful of cookies or, perhaps, eat the entire fudge mocha cheesecake. Invite a methhead, however, and they’re likely to steal your T.V., sofa, change jar and then rape your grandmother and stab your cat twelve times on the way out the door. Our energetic Tweaker community, alas, has not grasped the nominal nuances of the social etiquette required to dwell in Floyd Harmony. Miss Manners would say that their behavior is boorish. It’s not just that they steal our shit…. they also rob our sense of community…. forcing us to lock our doors, eye our neighbors with suspicion, exercise caution in welcoming strangers… They bring “The Fear” that is so common in other communities. So, Mr. T-Bone is suggesting that we create our own club…everybody’s in it…. yes, even me, …..everybody except tweakers. Joey’s working on the secret handshake, Grateful’s contemplating an ingenious password and I’m sketching out the annual initiation….. something involving spanking! We’ll keep you posted.
Top Dollar For Your Stuff
Funeral homes offer a valuable service to their customers through “pre-need” burial plans and, likewise, the Emporium is reaching out to its customers in recognition of these strange days we live in. As you know, the party is almost over and the world is ending….. pretty darn soon!!
· May 21st, 2011- “the biggie”…. biblical Rapture per Harold Camping (stay tuned….. being rescheduled)
· Dec. 21st 2012- according to those infallible Mayans
· 2012- reversal of the magnetic poles per the WebBot & Joey
· 2012- says Nostradamus (predicted the death of Henry II)
· 2060 per Isaac Newton (the guy that invented gravity!)
Why squander what little time you have left? Dump the family & enjoy a luxury trip to Hawaii or Tahiti. Quit wasting time at the gym or saving for that pointless triple by-pass surgery!!!For a Limited Time Only, the Emporium will turn your worthless stuff into CASH!!! CRAZY, you bet!! We’re paying INSANE prices for stereos, land, silverware, jewelry & more. You’re not going to need all that clutter…… you’ll be dead!!! So, take advantage of this Once in a Lifetime Offer….. Accept No Substitutes!!!!
Don’t be left behind…..Call the Emporium TODAY!!!
Your Body’s A Temple?
So, how’s that working for you….
As a sojourner in Floyd, I’ve always given props to fellow travelers walking the nobler path. Connie, our Emporium manager, for example is Floyd’s poster child for all things healthy and organic…..she’s a veritable free range fair trade probiotic two legged antioxidant …. wafting pheromones of functional foods and essential nutrients. I bow to her commitment. Me, the foundation of my food pyramid is mayonnaise and all things deep fried …. followed closely by nicotine, frosty legal beverages and pork of every cut and hue. It’s always amusing to observe Connie & her fellow tofu travelers when the annual virus “de jour” hits town. It’s an epic Homeopathic Good vs. New Millennium Evil Showdown dragging on for endless weeks. With “System T-Bone”, however, upon the inevitable invasion the virus discovers a truly hostile environment…..the ultimate in Shock and Awe ……. a human cesspool. It’s as if a troop of brownies tried to invade Sodom & Gomorrah. Admittedly, the price of this health regimen is a few years chopped off the backend of your time on the planet…. but, factor in sick days not used and it all equals out. To begin your own personal regimen, stop by the Emporium for a personal consultation and obtain the supplies needed for this revolutionary new Ubber-Viral Defense® system.
Plastic surgery and a name change
might be in order!
After decades of screwing up, I’ve learned a technique that allows me to walk the streets without the least bit of embarrassment regardless of my latest “imbroglio”. Incarceration, messy divorces…. indelicate indiscretions… it’s all water off a ducks back. My secret you ask? Simply read the newspaper while repeating the mantra “there but for the grace of god……”. Upon reading the story below, my advice to Mark is, despite the multitudes “bleating” as you pass; “walk tall brother… hold your head high…. and remember that it’s plausible that somewhere, unlikely though it may be, at some point in the remote future…when monkeys fly out our collective butt…. someone’s going to screw up bigger than you did….
Man accused of killing goat
Tuesday, 03 May 2011
AP Wire Service
CHARLESTON, W.Va. – A West Virginia man found wearing women’s underwear and standing over a goat’s carcass told police he was high
on bath salts.Mark Thompson was arrested at his home Monday. A criminal complaint charges the 19-year-old with cruelty to animals.
Sheriff’s Deputy J.S. Shackelford says witnesses reported Thompson standing near a neighbor’s pygmy goat in a bedroom.
He was wearing a bra and female underwear. Cpl. Sean Snuffer says Thompson indicated he had been high and “wasn’t in his right mind.”